sorry, school got busy. I hope ur still out here listening
Work
Classes are now fully online. I’m trying to be productive right now, but a lot of times it just feels like we’re spinning on blackness!
Life and…
meaninglessness!
I’ve been trying to write this post for a long time now, but part of me feels selfish, because why is what I have to say important over everything else happening right now? ya know? why are you reading this? do I really deserve that attention from you? if I write an anecdote about my life, I can’t stop thinking about how I’m just taking up so much space, and how I should be giving that space and attention to something more urgent than… me. but if you’re reading this, you’re probably my friend, and part of being friends is sharing things with each other. so:
I’ve been thinking a lot about how everything is just a distraction from reality.
These days, to stay active, I’ll go in my backyard and hit a volleyball around, or I’ll jump rope on the driveway, and I feel like a kid. Then, I go on a walk and see that the actual kids in my neighborhood have been drawing positive messages all over the sidewalks. Normally, I’d write about that and say something like “then I felt momentarily reassured that life does, in fact, have meaning” and it wouldn’t be an absolute lie!
outside of pandemic era, many things I do are a means of escape, which I know sounds dramatic, but I mean this as in: I go to the coffee shop to avoid feeling trapped in my apartment. I hang out with friends to find comfort and avoid the feeling of being alone. I’m able to suspend my disbelief, even for a little while, and it keeps me afloat.
but right now, none of these distractions are believable enough for me, because the world is kinda blowing up. absolute oblivion is much more obvious than before.
so what can I do? I’m trying to accept the nothingness and be okay with it, which works in some moments and is futile in others. I don’t really know. Let me know if you’ve figured it out.
This is all super pessimistic I know. sorry to unleash depressed madison for a bit. i’m doing fine though.
Play
I realize it’s been a few months and I’ve listened/watched/read a bunch of fun things, so I’ll just go over the highlights:
Uncut Gems : i don’t think my mom has seen it but i’m scared to watch it with her
Present.Perfect. : hong kong documentary made using livestream clips. got to see it at NU’s art museum. it was surprisingly cohesive
Fleabag : a TV show about family and death and love and finding yourself! i really can’t recommend it enough. only 2 seasons, 6 20-minute eps each. pls watch and rant about it to me.
Haikyu : sports anime… I am a weeb
Cooking has also been very fun, and I got closer to the people who live in my building.
recently found out about this korean indie band that is very calming and full of nature sounds:
anyway, text/email me if you ever wanna talk.
love,
madison